Choices and Suicide

Warning! This blog may contain triggers!  If you begin to have thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else, stop reading and seek immediate help.

Life is like hiking in the mountains. Some days the trail is smooth and easy to traverse. Other days it seems like every rock, rut, root, and boulder is jumping out trying to make you stumble and fall. The shear drops and severe heights will make you question why you do it. Why you keep going?

Ah, but the sceneries! The spectacular views can take your breathe away if you pay attention to what is around you.

Life is never easy, but it is worth the treacherous, often painful, hike...or is it?

Two people that I knew didn't think so. Life's twists and turns lead towards what they perceived as the end. They both made the choice to take that last step off the proverbial cliff.

They left behind a whole lot of heartache, lost loved ones, and so many unanswered questions.

We will never fully understand why they chose to take their lives. What decisions and sequence of events solidified the idea of ending it all.

One left a goodbye letter, one did not. That letter may explain some of the young man's reasons, but it can never explain the mixed thoughts and feelings of why he thought there was no other way. It can never touch the exact process of the pain and anguish. It will only leave more questions for those left behind.

I can never fully explain why someone would choose to end their life...I can only tell you why I didn't take mine.

When I was a young teenager I was raped. That mind numbing event brought to a head all of the physical and psychological abuse that I had been subjected to at different moments in my young life. My world had avalanched and I felt buried alive in my own head.

I was so ashamed of what had happened, what could happen again, that the thought of ending my life seemed like the only way to stop the pain and fear. To keep my mind safe from anymore neglectful emotional scars. To keep my body from being bruised from repeated sexual and physical violations.

I stood over the precipice. I looked down into the bottomless maw of black loathing, self hating, fear and anger. I resolutely reached for the device that would stop the world from hurting me again and again and again.

A sound froze me.

A simple snore.

My father's snore.

My family.

Sleeping.

Unaware that dark death stood under the same roof they peacefully slept in.

How could I do something so final to myself and hurt them so much?

Who would watch over my little brothers if i wasn't there? Help shield them from the ugly in the world. They were so young and this would shatter their innocence.

I wouldn't wake up to laughter anymore. My father's deep rumble of ease, peace, and contentment.

Instantly I became very aware that taking my life would hurt so many people. All my friends, all my family would wonder why. They would always wonder why. That unanswered question would haunt them and hurt them their whole lives.

I cried instead.

I yelled out my anger. I screamed out my fear. I was a ball of rabid rage.

I cried.

Every tear was a molten soulful cleansing of my heart and soul. Every salty drop was a warm reminder of every tear that would be shed for me if I killed myself.

I did think at one point that no one would care. That no one would miss me. They would just go on with their lives like I had never existed and they would be happier without me anyway. No one really loved me anyway...right?

They would care. They would miss me. They would go on with their lives bit that unanswered question would haunt them and they would never be totally happy...ever.

Love saved me. It wasn't my family's love for me that saved me.

It was my love for them.

The love that lived in my heart for my family and my friends saved me.

The love that I had for everything held me in this world.

My adolescent love for my pets, writing, music, walks, trees, life. It helped me stop.

The small beat of my heart that skipped for one second at the sound of a snore said "Love".

I chose not to kill myself. I chose to face the truth. I chose the tough hike of courage over the final step over the edge.

Yes, it took a lot of courage to live. It literally took a skipped beat to remind me that life is tough, but it isn't worth giving up.

I wouldn't be here now. Years of good memories helping to ease the hurtful ones. Years of living, experiencing, and loving would never have existed.

I didn't end my life because I chose Love over Death. My Choice was the hard road of Life and Love.

My beautiful, pain in the rear children wouldn't be alive. My husband wouldn't be next to me. My family would not be around me to reminding me daily that love heals if you let it into your life.

With all the pain and heartache I have gone through, I can honestly say that life is worth living.

It has been a very tough hike up this mountain called My Life. I still have ups and downs. I still stumble and occasionally twist my ankle on a misstep. I have climbed a boulder or two. Heck, I've even back tracked to take a different path. I don't know when I will reach the top of my mountain, but the view has been breath-takingly amazing the whole time!

Blessings and Love,
~AF~

If you are contemplating suicide or even just feeling lonely or depressed contact someone. There is always someone who will listen. A friend, family member or even a trained professional.

A few resources to try:

"No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7."- www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

"The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth." The Trevor Lifeline 866-488-7386 - www.thetrevorproject.org

"When You Feel You Can't Go On
Let Someone Know Your Pain
National Suicide Hotlines USA United States of America Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-273-TALK 1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255

1-800-799-4TTY (4889) Deaf Hotline " - www.suicidehotlines.com (This site has state links as well.)

Life, Death, Regrets, and Celebrations

My Grandfather passed into the Next World several days ago.

My family had warned me it was coming. I had felt the inevitable was nearer than several of my relatives wanted.

My heart is saddened but my soul is rejoicing.

It's a very bittersweet time when a loved one goes on to Heaven, joins with The All, dances back to the Summerland, returns to the Universe.

I am in mourning.

I am in mourning for the questions unasked, the stories untold. I am in sorrow for the chances missed to learn about his past and to delve into his wisdom. I will miss the entertaining versions of our family history and the laughs that we shared with him.

He was an example if a hard working, tough talking, gentle hearted man. I will celebrate the lessons he taught by his actions and gruff words.

He cared for his family as best he could. He never put up with bad manners. He expected us to love and cherish our families and friends. He experienced life fully and loved quietly. He regretted not leaving his family "more" but what we did receive was priceless.

Loved ones will leave us and we will eventually leave our loved ones behind.

It is inevitable.

It is the cycle of life.

Death is a reminder that we live. A nudge to experience, ask, talk, listen, go, grow, become.

Every passing of a loved one or friend makes me think of what I have done in my life and what I have yet to accomplish.

I won't mourn my grandfather, though I will miss him, but I will mourn all the times that I let opportunity pass me by. I will regret the chances that I did not take to sit and talk and ask all the questions I should have asked of him.

But I won't mourn him.

Instead I will celebrate his life. I will tearfully remember the love and gentleness he showered me with. I will consult the advice that he gave. I will laugh with the sound of his lectures deep in my heart. I will listen to the stories that are remembered in my soul.

I will celebrate My Grandfather by passing on what little bits of wisdom, stories, and lessons that I do recall.

Most importantly I will celebrate My Grandfather by living, loving, lecturing, and laughing.

Do you regret not talking to any of your relatives? Are there any questions you would ask them if you could?

Don't Take It So Personal

As humans we take everything very personal.

It's our Ego-Mind's screwy filtering, or non filtering, way of keeping you going down the status quo road. The Ego-Mind believes that it is the center of the universe and everything revolves around it's magnificence. (Many Teens are prime examples of the Ego-Mind in action.) Ego-Mind can take any incident that occurs in our lives and justifies the incident by making it a personal attack on you.

Let me give an example.

My Hubby did a favor for a friend by taking a job for said friend. When Hubby went to dispose of some material, he was overcharged, which went towards the friend's business account. Hubby took it very personally.

I explained to hubby that it wasn't a personal attack on him. He of course argued that he was the one driving the truck at the time and that his word on the amount in the truck was ignored and explained away, extra was added on and thus an overcharge.

I expressed that his friend has made some waves in our small town (small town political bull really) and it will be inevitable that too many people will attempt to screw his friend's business over any chance they can. I also told Hubby that it wasn't a jab at him or even his friend really, but at his friends business.

The conversation started when the guy who had overcharged came into my work. He was nice and polite to me and Hubby even though there was a guilty vibe to his energies.

I let my Hubby know that he shouldn't take it personally. At my job I get verbally harangued about prices, the weather, coworkers' attitudes, product quality, the president, etc. Most of it is out of my hands, I can attempt to rectify some scenarios as much as possible, but most of the complaints are the results of feelings of unhappiness that the customers feel powerless about and I just happen to be the one the comments are aimed at. I don't take it personally and I brush off any negative energies after the exchanges.

I refuse to take on the negative energies unknowingly aimed at me. The clients are expressing their frustrations, angers, and fears. I just happen to bear the brunt of their energies because they are unsure of where to direct their energies which take the form of verbal complaints.

My Ego-Mind can easily take all those negative comments and turn them into personal attacks. I refuse to let it. I choose to see the complaints for what they are and let their energies slide away from my own energies.

I refuse to take it personally.

Even situations that are aimed at us personally, should not be taken...well...personally.

Another example:

My daughter was made fun of by another teenage gal for wearing something that wasn't in fashion at the moment.

My daughter faced the girl (and the rest of the little clique) and told them that they were just jealous that she had the cojones to wear something she knew she looked good in instead of copying what everyone else was wearing, whether it looked good or not. She turned around and walked away.

Flash forward a few weeks later and several in that popular clique have been seen sporting a similar look that my daughter had been picked on about.

We talked about the incident and my daughter had felt intuitively that the girl had really liked what my daughter had worn but was afraid to be different from her friends. The young girl had attacked out of her own fears, at someone who was showing courage, which happened to be my daughter.

Use your intuition to understand why you are the seeming target of a situation. What is the real reason behind the attack? Is it really personal?

How often have you taken something too personally?

Blessings and Love!
~AF~