I'm Sorry!

Two very simple words that can mean so much.

"I'm sorry," is a sincere apology. Whether it's for bumping into another person or damaging another's property in some way. It is used to convey how much you regret the action that may have caused another to feel hurt.

"I'm sorry?" A polite attention grabber. It can be a simplified way of asking someone to repeat what they said. Said as the listener leans in to better catch what the speaker has said, in an almost intimate gesture.

"I'm sorry!" An angry or sarcastic retort. A way to inform another as to your displeasure of a situation or comment made. A simple phrase that can easily be spit out with loathing and derision.


It can also be a shield to hide a wounded heart. A meek response to lessen the attention aimed at the mutterer.

"I'm sorry," can easily become a way to mask insecurities. A way to almost apologize for the speakers very presence. A way to hide misery with an embarrassed smile. A sound that can convey so many insecurities in such a small phrase.

When a child stumbles and the first thing they utter is a mumbled apology, it seems adorable at first, but can escalate into an insecure response as the child matures. It can become a heartbreaking utterance to a caring parent or a small reward for an abuser.

"I'm sorry!" Can be a silent scream for help. Words said in the quiet fearfulness of lost hope. Words unspoken, screamed in the mind. A silent substitution for words unsaid or actions undone out of fear.

"I'm sorry," a tearful plea of forgiveness.

"I'm sorry." A simple statement of feeling unworthy of love, attention and gentleness.

"I'm sorry." My own daughter learned that phrase early and used it way to often. A sign of a traumatic childhood? Uttered to hide the emotional scars that covered her innocent mind?

So much anger, fear, resentment, abandonment, heartache, sorrow, loathing, shame hate in such a simple phrase.

To hear her small voice utter that phrase broke my heart time and time again.

She is growing into a very headstrong and opinionated young woman. The future woman slips into her still child like smile now and then. The opinions and words that spill from her lips hold the promise of a strong free thinker. She still slips those two little words it into her vocabulary now and then, mostly from habit...I hope but only time will tell.

This is my chance to say "I'm sorry," to my daughter and her brothers for not being able to step in the way of the recent heartache they faced. To say those words with full love in my heart and complete knowledge that I could not protect them.

Pain is the teacher we fear the most and sometimes a parent has to step back and let the heartache be learned. Life isn't always candy canes and roses, and pain must be felt to know the truth of situations.

So my darling perfectly-imperfect children, "I am so very sorry" that you had to suffer what you did, but I will always be here to be a shoulder you can cry on when the pain becomes to much to bear.

I'm sorry.

With Tears in my Eyes and Love in my Heart,
Blessings and Love,
Andrea Faye

Dedicated to my daughter who inspired the post and my sons. Lights of my life and loves of my soul.

Choices and Suicide

Warning! This blog may contain triggers!  If you begin to have thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else, stop reading and seek immediate help.

Life is like hiking in the mountains. Some days the trail is smooth and easy to traverse. Other days it seems like every rock, rut, root, and boulder is jumping out trying to make you stumble and fall. The shear drops and severe heights will make you question why you do it. Why you keep going?

Ah, but the sceneries! The spectacular views can take your breathe away if you pay attention to what is around you.

Life is never easy, but it is worth the treacherous, often painful, hike...or is it?

Two people that I knew didn't think so. Life's twists and turns lead towards what they perceived as the end. They both made the choice to take that last step off the proverbial cliff.

They left behind a whole lot of heartache, lost loved ones, and so many unanswered questions.

We will never fully understand why they chose to take their lives. What decisions and sequence of events solidified the idea of ending it all.

One left a goodbye letter, one did not. That letter may explain some of the young man's reasons, but it can never explain the mixed thoughts and feelings of why he thought there was no other way. It can never touch the exact process of the pain and anguish. It will only leave more questions for those left behind.

I can never fully explain why someone would choose to end their life...I can only tell you why I didn't take mine.

When I was a young teenager I was raped. That mind numbing event brought to a head all of the physical and psychological abuse that I had been subjected to at different moments in my young life. My world had avalanched and I felt buried alive in my own head.

I was so ashamed of what had happened, what could happen again, that the thought of ending my life seemed like the only way to stop the pain and fear. To keep my mind safe from anymore neglectful emotional scars. To keep my body from being bruised from repeated sexual and physical violations.

I stood over the precipice. I looked down into the bottomless maw of black loathing, self hating, fear and anger. I resolutely reached for the device that would stop the world from hurting me again and again and again.

A sound froze me.

A simple snore.

My father's snore.

My family.

Sleeping.

Unaware that dark death stood under the same roof they peacefully slept in.

How could I do something so final to myself and hurt them so much?

Who would watch over my little brothers if i wasn't there? Help shield them from the ugly in the world. They were so young and this would shatter their innocence.

I wouldn't wake up to laughter anymore. My father's deep rumble of ease, peace, and contentment.

Instantly I became very aware that taking my life would hurt so many people. All my friends, all my family would wonder why. They would always wonder why. That unanswered question would haunt them and hurt them their whole lives.

I cried instead.

I yelled out my anger. I screamed out my fear. I was a ball of rabid rage.

I cried.

Every tear was a molten soulful cleansing of my heart and soul. Every salty drop was a warm reminder of every tear that would be shed for me if I killed myself.

I did think at one point that no one would care. That no one would miss me. They would just go on with their lives like I had never existed and they would be happier without me anyway. No one really loved me anyway...right?

They would care. They would miss me. They would go on with their lives bit that unanswered question would haunt them and they would never be totally happy...ever.

Love saved me. It wasn't my family's love for me that saved me.

It was my love for them.

The love that lived in my heart for my family and my friends saved me.

The love that I had for everything held me in this world.

My adolescent love for my pets, writing, music, walks, trees, life. It helped me stop.

The small beat of my heart that skipped for one second at the sound of a snore said "Love".

I chose not to kill myself. I chose to face the truth. I chose the tough hike of courage over the final step over the edge.

Yes, it took a lot of courage to live. It literally took a skipped beat to remind me that life is tough, but it isn't worth giving up.

I wouldn't be here now. Years of good memories helping to ease the hurtful ones. Years of living, experiencing, and loving would never have existed.

I didn't end my life because I chose Love over Death. My Choice was the hard road of Life and Love.

My beautiful, pain in the rear children wouldn't be alive. My husband wouldn't be next to me. My family would not be around me to reminding me daily that love heals if you let it into your life.

With all the pain and heartache I have gone through, I can honestly say that life is worth living.

It has been a very tough hike up this mountain called My Life. I still have ups and downs. I still stumble and occasionally twist my ankle on a misstep. I have climbed a boulder or two. Heck, I've even back tracked to take a different path. I don't know when I will reach the top of my mountain, but the view has been breath-takingly amazing the whole time!

Blessings and Love,
~AF~

If you are contemplating suicide or even just feeling lonely or depressed contact someone. There is always someone who will listen. A friend, family member or even a trained professional.

A few resources to try:

"No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7."- www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

"The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth." The Trevor Lifeline 866-488-7386 - www.thetrevorproject.org

"When You Feel You Can't Go On
Let Someone Know Your Pain
National Suicide Hotlines USA United States of America Toll-Free / 24 hours a day / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-273-TALK 1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255

1-800-799-4TTY (4889) Deaf Hotline " - www.suicidehotlines.com (This site has state links as well.)